The BETTER AGREEMENT GUIDE™
BETTER RELATIONSHIPS are in The BAG™
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AGREEMENT WITH EXTENDED FAMILIES
I grew up in a large ethnic family. My father was part of the "family business" that was started by my grandfather. Each of my parents came from four sibling families. Although my aunts and uncles were not prodigious, I was part of a group of eleven first cousins who were all living within a ten mile radius. Until the end of grammar school, I spent entire summers living in the same house as six of my cousins. I understand by direct experience what it's like to live in an environment that does not honor boundaries and privacy. It's not that people were invasive, they were just an omnipresent part of the fabric of life. A few years ago I was called by a third generation farming family. The family consisted of four siblings and their spouses, who all worked on the farm. Every nuclear family had a house on the property and worked the family farm under the guidance of the patriarch while the matriarch ran the farm office. Some specific family conflicts arose related to the operation of the farm. After spending a morning listening to them, I suspected they were all suffering from claustrophobic togetherness. My intuition and experience told me that their conflicts would move toward resolution if they put in place a specific agreement setting up some rules about how they would communicate with each other. This reflected my highest ideal-that if you have conflict, the best resolution is a new agreement for the future. I have found that is the best way both to solve a problem and to get around useless processing of the conflict (determine right/wrong, win/lose, and fault/blame). This only works if everyone understands that it requires giving up the need to be right and is willing to forgive and let go of old conflicts. The strategy was a good one, measured by its effectiveness. Here's the agreement we designed. Smithfield Family Agreement 1. Intent and vision: It is our intention to reduce the tension and friction between members of this family. Our vision for the future is to have an effective family farm operation that (a) we can be proud of in terms of our reputation in the community, (b) is satisfying in terms of the relationships we have with the people we work with, and (c) is financially rewarding in terms of both current income and asset appreciation. 2. Roles: We all recognize the complexity of the roles, relationships, and stereotypes we are dealing with. To each other, we are siblings, spouses, parents, in-laws, bosses, direct reports, and coworkers. We see that the opportunity exists for all kinds of tension and turmoil if we do not stay mindful of the complexity in which we live. 3. Promises: We each promise to do the following:
5. Measurements of satisfaction:
7. Renegotiation/dissolution: We all recognize that operating within this new context is an experiment that will likely need renegotiation and coaching as we discover how each of us individually reacts to it and as we do our best to honor it. We understand that we are trying to create new operating relationships and that we must be fluid if they are to succeed. 8. Consequences: We have the potential to lose our way of life, our family, and our livelihood. 9. Conflict resolution: (a) We will talk with each other; (b) we will talk with our farm manager and good friend, Ralph; (c) we will call Stewart Levine. 10. Agreement? Yes, we have little choice, given the risk of loss. I was contacted by the oldest son three years after we worked together. He wanted me to help the family come to agreement about structuring a way to divide the proceeds from the farm's purchase by a large, "corporate" farmer. I am pleased to report that it was not a difficult facilitation. The ground work we did in opening up communication paths enabled a real dialogue to take place about the future and everyone's needs. All were satisfied with the end result. Summary: Conflicts can disappear if you put in place a specific agreement for setting up some rules about how a large extended family will work together and communicate with each other. When you have conflict, the best resolution is a new agreement for the future. That is the way to both solve a problem and avoid the need to process the conflict. But it only works if everyone involved is willing to stop being right, forgive, and let go of old conflicts. Exercise: Do you have an extended family that you love but often find intrusive? Construct a family communication agreement following the agreement in this chapter. |
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