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AGREEMENTS WITH SPOUSES OR DOMESTIC PARTNERS
Relationships with significant others are of profound importance. If something is askew in your primary relationship, it will impact the quality of your work, and all other relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself. Most people don't know where to start, so they never talk about what's bothering them. The agreement I am suggesting is a far cry from what most prenuptial agreements are about: protection, property, and money.
Trying to escape having a serious conversation never works because of the ongoing cost you pay for living in conflict. It is better to have the conversation sooner than later because the conflicts do not disappear. That is why ongoing communication is essential. With the addition of the Domains of Permanent Concern", the agreement template provides a solid structure for a primary relationship. Here is an example of an agreement I prepared almost ten years ago for a couple who were about to get married.
Our Marriage Agreement
1. Intent and vision: It is our intention to have a great marriage. This will include fun, romance, travel, financial abundance, friendship, health, partnership, support, and both physical and spiritual love.
2. Roles: Our roles will be mutual. For each other we will be friends, partners, lovers, listeners, and tellers of the truth we each see in situations even if, and sometimes especially if, we know the other will not like hearing it.
3. Promises: We each promise to:
- Stay in the relationship even when it is difficult
- Work things out as partners, realizing that no matter what is going on, we have the same goals in mind
- Stay engaged with the other and continue communicating no matter how difficult
- Accept that if one of us has a problem, then we both have a problem
- Trust the other's good intentions even when we are outraged by what we think they have done
- Be available mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually
- Make decisions mutually after consulting with each other
- Be warm and affectionate toward each other
- Honor and bring honor to the other
We make the following declarations and promises to each other within the Domains of Permanent Concern:
- Body. We acknowledge that our bodies are the sacred temples
that house our souls. We agree to respect and honor these temples from
the perspective that we each will only get one and that despite the
miracles of modern medicine, original equipment is much better than
replacement parts, which are not always available. We promise to support
each other in healthy eating, physical exercise programs, moderate
alcohol consumption, and adequate sleep and rest.
- Play. We recognize that the muse of creativity, innovation, and love
takes place in the "in between spaces" of structured activity. Because
we function at our highest capacity when we function creatively, we
agree to remain mindful of making sure we have enough play time in our
lives. For us that will translate into at least two evenings and one
afternoon or morning of free play.
- Sociability. We understand that although earnestness, diligence, and
individual accomplishment are important, real success in life, except
for the breakthroughs of a genius working alone, usually comes in the
context of society. For that reason we agree to support each other's
social engagements and to make it a priority to have ongoing social
relationships of both a personal and professional nature. As part of our
community involvement and social responsibility, we will be active
voices, not passive participants, in the public issues and concerns of
the day.
- Family. We recognize how essential family is. It is the foundation
of a strong social culture. We know that we are defined not only by the
roles we choose but, more important, also how we are recognized and
defined by others. Despite the risk of bringing children into an
unsettled world, we want to build our own family with at least two
children as the center of our lives. We also want to nurture our ties to
both of our extended families.
- Work. We each understand the value and importance of work. Work is a
joyful contribution. It also pays the bills. We agree to support each
other in making sure that neither of us has to be engaged in work purely
for a paycheck, although we both recognize that it is necessary for us
to support our family.
- Education. Ours will be a house of lifelong learning. We recognize
that to be human is to learn. We promise to support each other's
continuing education, be it academic or experiential.
- Career. We value a planned career. A career is a lifelong pursuit of
work in an integrated fashion. By career we mean developing a body of
work that leaves behind a legacy of substance that is a contribution to
an existing body of knowledge or a professional discipline. We agree to
support each other's career choices even when we don't fully understand
them despite ongoing dialogue.
- Money. We say that money is a means to an end, not an end to itself.
Money is a medium that facilitates exchange transactions. Money helps to
provide freedom from economic worry, creature comforts, freedom of
movement, and financial security. Given our views on education, career,
and work, it is clear that for us money is a means to other things.
- Membership. We will demonstrate our support of certain values and
causes by the organizations we join, as a couple and as individuals.
Because of the impact it has on the other, we will consult with each
other before taking on leadership roles.
- Situation. We define situation as the assessment we make
individually and collectively of our relative situation at the moment.
We will look at all of the domains of concern periodically and make an
assessment of our situation. We will do this for the purpose of deciding
how we are doing in general and what action needs to be taken to keep us
on a path toward our vision. The result of evaluating our situation will
be an action plan.
4. Time and value: We agree that if we are achieving our vision, whatever we devote to our marriage will be worth it. For us it is a lifetime commitment.
5. Measurements of satisfaction: Achieving, or on the way to achieving, 80 percent of our vision. We say 80 percent because we have aimed high. We promise to develop specific measurable benchmarks for each element of the vision.
6. Concerns and fears: That we will grow tired of each other, that one or both of us will change dramatically, that our vision is not achievable, that we will fail to keep our agreement current, that we will loose touch with each other, that either of us will become fascinated with someone else.
7. Renegotiation: We agree constantly to renegotiate all aspects of our relationship.
8. Consequences: If we fail, we will be unhappy; our ideals will be compromised; we will be disillusioned to the point of depression, withdrawal, and inaction; our identities will be compromised; we will lose our best friend and confidant.
9. Conflict resolution: We recognize that the best antidote to conflict is changing the game. We will keep talking, we will never go to sleep angry, and we will work with the models in Getting to Resolution.
10. Agreement? We are thrilled to be looking to the future, having discussed all of the above.
The agreement is inspirational, aspirational, and practical. It is useful both as a model of what is possible and as a talisman to consult when you get off track. I have heard from this couple periodically over the last ten years. They tell me that the "agreement stuff" really works. When they're challenged as a couple, they head for the mountains and revise their agreement.
Summary: Relationships with significant others are of profound importance. If something is askew in your primary relationship, it will impact the quality of your work and all of your other relationships. Most people don't think about having agreements for personal, intimate matters, so they never create clear understandings. With the addition of the Domains of Permanent Concern, the agreement template provides a solid structure for a primary relationship.
Exercise: Use the agreement template to craft an agreement for your primary relationship. Even though it is frightening to open the conversation, do it anyway.
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