The BETTER AGREEMENT GUIDE™
BETTER RELATIONSHIPS are in The BAG™
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AGREEMENT WITH PARENTS
One of the most difficult transitions for a family to make is accepting the reversing roles as parents get older. It is one thing to have a living will to deal with healthcare concerns; it's another to speak openly about the transition by which adult children take on a parental role for their own parents. The articulation and dialogue surrounding the design of a structure to make this transition seamless are very delicate. I have done a few of these, and they require an exquisite sensitivity. There is obviously a built in level of resistance by everyone: parents want to remain in control, and adult children still want to be kids. Here's an agreement you can consider. Family Transition Agreement 1. Intent and vision: Our intent and vision is to preserve the relationship we have while providing for an orderly transition by speaking honestly about the future. Specifically, the vision is to have parents feeling well taken care of and children feeling responsible. We all want to speak openly about difficult and sometimes painful matters. 2. Roles: As part of the family life cycle, parents will become as children in the sense of being taken care of, and children shall assume the role of caretakers for their aging parents. Other professionals will assume such roles as are necessary for a smooth transition. 3. Promises: We all promise to:
5. Measurements of satisfaction: Transition without acrimony, high level of trust and respect, and a great deal of love and nurturance. 6. Concerns and fears: That there will be resistance, and a resistance to the resistance, making the process highly emotional. 7. Renegotiation: It will be a continuing part of the process. 8. Consequences: We will not have the transition that is possible. A rift will take place in the family. 9. Conflict resolution: We will bring in a third party if emotions run too high in our dialogue. 10. Agreement? We have reached an understanding. It takes a great deal of maturity and reflection to engage in the dialogue, prepare the agreement, and honor its terms. Much more important than the agreement is the dialogue. Getting out in the open what often lurks just beneath the surface is very healthy. Summary: One of the most difficult transitions for a family to make is accepting the reversing roles as parents get older. It is one thing to have a living will to deal with healthcare concerns; it's another to speak openly about the transition by which adult children take on a parental role. An agreement is a useful tool for design of a structure to make this transition as seamless as possible. Exercise: If you have aging parents, see if they are open to a dialogue about their readiness and willingness to be cared for in a different way. See if they are ready to give up some control and autonomy. |
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